How using a vibrator during sex can increase intimacy

If you’ve never used a vibrator before, the thought of using one might feel as if you’re introducing a stranger into your bedroom. But, this doesn’t have to be the case.

For one, vibrators are intimate pieces of technology designed especially to enhance your pleasure, not replace other things that cause it. Secondly, incorporating a vibrator during sex with a partner can not only enhance both your pleasure but increase intimacy between you.

Intimacy has been defined by researchers as requiring emotional closeness, reciprocity of trust, and self-disclosure, where one person shares information about themselves with someone else.¹ So, how can a vibrator aid all of that?

Well, through your mutual shared pleasure, awareness of your partner’s sexual experience, and by adding novelty and variety to your relationship.

Indulge in mutual physical pleasure

A 2010 study of 2,056 heterosexual, bi, and lesbian women aged 18-60 found that “most vibrator users indicated comfort using them with a partner and [this was] related to positive sexual function.”² Stimulation with a vibrator helps increase the blood flow to the genitals, which can increase the chance of orgasm for all types of bodies involved.³ And, experiencing this mutual pleasure can work to increase intimacy between you.

This is particularly important for increasing intimacy during penetrative sex, as we now know that most cis women can’t orgasm from penetration alone. A 2017 study found that just 18% of cis women could orgasm from sex that was purely penetrative, with 36% reporting that they needed added clitoral stimulation to reach climax.⁴

Vibrators are not a substitute for the human communication and intimacy during sex but can be a playful element you can incorporate as part of new shared experiences

Using a vibrator during sex might also reduce some of the pressure some men can experience in bringing their partners to orgasm.⁵ This is a common societal issue that stems from the pressure of gender roles. Researchers have found that for heterosexual men, at least in part, a woman’s orgasm is seen as a ‘masculine achievement’, and feelings of emasculation can arise if one’s partner doesn’t climax.⁶ This can sometimes push two people away from each other, rather than encouraging them to work through these feelings together.

Though the majority of vibrators are designed for female pleasure, “some men expressed a specific wish that the very design of vibrators would pay more consideration to male experiences of pleasure and stimulation, alongside the pleasurable sensations benefiting women.”⁷

Men use vibrators, too. And when used with a partner, “over one-third [of heterosexual women] indicated that their male partners were orgasmic with the use of a vibrator.”⁸

Vibrators for men, such as the Tenuto, allows for mutual pleasure: it is designed to stimulate the underside of the penis, the balls and the perineum, as well the outer labia and the clitoris during penetrative sex. This enables mutual pleasure, hands-free, so you can roam multiple erogenous zones simultaneously.

The more pleasure, the better! Right?

Become more aware of your partner’s experience

Initially, you may have to communicate that you would like to try incorporating a vibrator into your sex life. This may be a difficult conversation for you, but just know that opening up in conversation about your shared pleasure can also enable more open communication around your partner’s experiences and desires.

If you already use a vibrator solo and want to bring it into your relationship, suggest to your partner that you would like to enhance their pleasure experience.

Even though some people might initially feel that adding a vibrator to a sexual encounter would indicate their lack of competence to induce their partner’s pleasure ‘on their own’, this is a misguided belief. Vibrators are not a substitute for the human communication and intimacy during sex but can be a playful element you can incorporate as part of new, shared experiences. Without humans to guide them, they’re just buzzing devices.

Domination and orgasm denial, where you maintain a level of arousal without climaxing, are great ways to increase intimacy: you are, quite literally, placing your trust in your partner’s hands

When it’s time to play, be sure to test different settings — rumbly, buzzy, fast or slow — and ask them what they like or don’t like about it. From there, you can ask them to use it on you, and show them how you like to enjoy pleasure. This will build a new repertoire of what feels good for both of you.

These intimate details will help you to learn and become more aware of their experience. This development of awareness is a totally mindful task, bringing you both into the moment, connecting with each other, and increasing your intimacy.

Bring a touch of novelty and variety to your relationship

Switch up your routine and prevent boredom with sex toys; they’re called toys for a reason! In the kink scene, sex is called “adult play”, and that’s exactly what sex should be: playful. Bringing a touch of fun, novelty, and variety to the bedroom can keep things fresh and intimate.

Using vibrators can lead to further exploration and experiences, such as using your vibrator in different locations — like in public or in the shower (just make sure it’s 100% waterproof).

BDSM is something that involves a hell of a lot of trust and care. If you are new to BDSM, role-playing with vibrators can help you to explore this dynamic. Domination and orgasm denial, where you maintain a level of arousal without climaxing, are great ways to increase intimacy: you are, quite literally, placing your trust in your partner’s hands. Using a smart vibrator, such as MysteryVibe’s Crescendo, you can control the intensity, pattern and style of vibration to dominate and edge your partner to climax. Or even forced orgasms, where a submissive partner tries to delay orgasm while the dominant partner stimulates them in an attempt to bring on an orgasm, can be an amazing way to increase intimacy, as there is so much trust involved.

Increase intimacy

With mutual pleasure, sexual awareness, and added fun, using a vibrator during sex can bring you closer together than ever. They can help show that you care about your own pleasure as well as that of your partner’s.

And you can take your commitment to exploring each others’ pleasure to the next level by picking out a vibrator together. Choose one that suits you both and doesn’t intimidate anyone in the bedroom.